The Last Mindbender...

Right, left, and center.

Now, today I'm going to be doing one of my movie rambles, so unfortunately for comedy, and fotrunately for your time, there will be very few links to TvTropes.

What I intend to talk about today is something I have already looked at, but not thoroughly explored; Avatar. or, more accurately, it's successes and failings, and what I like and do not like about it, and why.

To preclude this rambling dissatation of the blockbuster, I will start by stating what I look for in a movie. If my opinion is not the same as yours, then you can safely disregard anything further I have to say.

In a movie I look for several things:
1) Memorable characters.
2) A clever storyline that is well told.
3) Either a strong sense of drama, or a keen sense of comedy and wit.
4) A realistic, or at least probable, storyline.
5) a Crowning Moment of Awesome.


Now, you will notice that nowhere in there is 'fantastic special effects', 'explosions', 'bloody murder' or 'gratuitous sex scenes'. This is for a very simple reason;

Making a film is about telling a story. Writing a book is about telling a story. Telling a story is about providing a world that the audience can not only be entralled by, but encompassed in. A good story is one where, if the viewer is not careful, he might believe the peice of fiction he has just seen might have been a documentary. A good story is one you can lose yourself in, and never be found.

Now that I have expressed my views about movies as a device, i will proceed on to Avatar.

To look at the first point: Memorable characters.

Not really. They had potential, but we've seen these archetypes millions of times before, and often done much better. Want an ex-military man who gets caught up in things because of his morals? I give you Mal. Want a female lead who is more than capable of coping by herself? Elizabeth Swan is one I found immensely more enjoyable, just because she had a little bit more personality. (Neytiri wasn't actually that bad a character, in this respect. Probably one of the more developed of the lot, and the one who went through the most of the sparse character development).

HOWEVER, There is one character I really liked. Coloniel Miles. Sure, he was quite shallow, sure, he was fairly one-dimensional, but as a villain that's all he needed to be. The most important thing is that he had CHARISMA, and a moral position you could draw with a ruler. I found myself rooting for him at one point...

This is the thing that alienated me the most about Avatar; the characters were either ones you weren't supposed to like, or ones that... well...

Let's just say that Jake had me facepalming a lot. What really cemented my dislike for him is at the end, when he, as the physical embodiment of the Deus Ex Machina or whatever, starts gathering the tribes. His 'YEAH!' was painful.

So what DO I think makes a good character? Well, i've identified three types of character I find good.

1) a character that is deep (has a lot of history and personality)

2) a character I can relate to (The archetype most used my the film industry).

3) A character that, if nothing else, has STYLE. Whether he be a badass, a comedian, a SCARY scary actor, or simply Crazy Awesome, these characters get me every time.

So. That's a NO for number one. No really good characters to be found here.

So, what about criterion number 2? 'A clever storyline that is well told.'

I'm going to break it down into two parts. one: A clever storyline? Bolluks it is. Straighter than John Denny on a rack. No plot twists here, people.

but well written? Oh gods yes. For what they had to work with (Apparently a video casette of 'Pocahontas', a copy of Mass Effect and some duct tape), the writers did a SPLENDED job incorporating the rather convoluted storyline. However, they still failed to cover it all up, for me. The story all seems horribly convoluted, and they, again, made the protagonist the greatest idiot on the planet.

So, again, no for number 2.

Number 3? Now we might be getting somewhere.

Avatar is strewn with drama, comedy and scenes saturated with Awesome. unfortunately, the characters and the storyline limit the amount of cheering you can do and still feel good about, but they have to fight for every inch; Avatar has spectacle and conflict galore.

Number 5. 'A Realistic and probable storyline.

No. The combination of improbably sexy aliens, glowy bits, the fact that every alien seems equipped with a universal USB in the back of thier heads and the ASTRONOMICALLY SWIFT ascention of Jake to basically Na'vi WAR LEADER was so convoluted it made me cry a little inside. Wouldn't happen.

Number 6, a Crowning Moment of Awesome.

This one we can safely give the thumbs up. The point where the forest/life/gia/ godess gets all of the MASSIVE KILLER ANIMALS to start fucking things up? Aweosme, and no two ways about it.

So, there we are. The full run-down of my opinion of Avatar. It was okay. Fun to watch, nothing special. If you want me, I'll be watching V for Vendetta...

Fortune and Favors,
~James Brown.

P.S. if anyone has an issue with what I have typed today, by all means, email me! I'd love to have some stuff to talk about here!

P.P.S. And don't say 'but the effects are revolutionary!' Good for them. Effects are still only a means to an end.

My punches are like dynamite Bun Bun Bun Bun Bun Bun

Hello.

Right, I figured I might update this blog, as I have two pieces of exciting news!

One:

IT'S THE NEW YEAR!

Yay.

Two: I am starting up a SHINY BRAND NEW EMAIL ADDRESS for both of my watchers!

Oh, and everyone else who lurks out there.

The email is, inventively, TripleDoubleNegative@hotmail.co.uk

Any question, comments, insults or disturbing comments are welcome, as I will most likely talk about them on this very blog.

Anyway. Longer blog sometime soon, when I actually have something to comment on...

...

*flees*

Fortune, Favors and Fun,
~James Brown, O.B.E.

Obligatory Christmas Rot.

Well, time for me to peek back into my little island in this wide open space. Hello everyone!

A friend of mine recently asked everyone to keep in contact, and I thought: Well, I may not have as good a on-screen presence as he does, but I've been told my writing often seems enjoyable, so I'm lucky there.

Anyway, as I have just had lunch, I thought I'd talk about a few things.

The first is obviousy Christmas. Yay Christmas! Yay presents!

Although everyone might be interested to know that both my birthday present AND my Christmas present have already been recieved, and were in the form of my trip to Argentina. Whee!

In spite of this, my parents once again flabbergasted me with thier generousity and gave me a GINGER-BEER BREWING KIT. I cannot stress how bad, but yet so good this idea is.

All that kind of stuff aside, I will say something about Christmas itself. Apart from being the Holiday of Stress, Christmas has come to mean something completely different from it's original status as a religeous festival. Christmas is not a multicultural phenominon; Screw Jesus, let's all be generous, love each other and give each other presents!

In some quiet way, this gives me a little bit of hope for the seemingly decadent Human Race...

...Aaaand then we come to Avatar.

This depresses me in many ways. I'm not saying Avatar was an awful movie - quite the opposite. Avatar was brilliantly shown, beutifully written and extremely well crafted. It was all icing on a very small cake (The actual story was terribly chichéd and unsatisfying), but it was still worth four stars.

What irritates me here, the same thing that irritated me about Twilight, is that people seem to be treating it as the peak of modern cinema! Well, no, it's not! I can name two movies right now that I found more enjoyable than Avatar:

UP

Slumdog Millionaire

... And yet there was nowhere near the fuss that was made about Avatar.

Don't get me wrong. Avatar was great; Four stars.

Up, however, gets 4.5, and S M gets 5.

I have a feeling, however, that there is a reason for this.

What REALLY takes the cheese is that 9, which looks to be a completely awesome, stylish and interesting movie, looks like it won't even be shown in Launceston, while blatant money-grabbing crap like New Moon gets extended screenings! What the fuck?

*Sigh*

Oh well, better luck next time for the Critics and Intellectuals, eh?

Fortune, Favors and misspellings,

~James Brown

Excuse my Terrible Spelling

It has just occured to me that writing this blog is basically just bashing the keyboard while waiting for some random profound thought to come along. With that in mind, do any of you ever see a little-hand-held peice of machenery (Like a portable Fan or Gizmo of some sort) and start playing with it as if it's the best toy in the world? I've caught myself doing this regularly, even making little 'BWOOOSH' noises or something every now and then. it doesn't stop there. Although it might ruin my credibility, I regularly realise that I'm stomping around my room pretending to be a robot, then blink and decide that I should probably go for a walk before I go COMPLETELY crazy.

...

BZZZZT EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

But enough of that. I just find it funny that 10 years on and my tendancy to get lost in my own head has still not changed. An-

Yes? What...?

Alright. Gaston says Hi.

Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes.

I still can't remember what I was going to talk about yesterday, So yeah.

Anyway, I think you'll all be pleased to hear that on the 9th I recieved my FIRST BADGE AT MY SCHOOL. For those who don't know, a badge is a clip you attach to your collar-thing, and is awarded for some mundane achievement like breathing or something.

Anyway, do you want to know what it was for?

Finishing school.

That's right, in the THREE YEARS I've been there, my ONE AND ONLY BADGE was the one it was basically impossible not to get.

I'm not sure if I should be depressed or proud of that fact...


Anyway. This was basically just a little blob of miscellanious Info I haven't said yet, so I'll wrap this up now.

Fortune and Favors,
~James Brown

'Conglomeration' is not only an appropriate word, it is a beautiful one.

Riiiight. Well, I'm sorry I haven't updated very much (Read: AT ALL), but between building a Steampunk guitar and Much Celebrating the End Of School, I haven't had much time to do much.

In any case, I'll start this post/entry/whatever with a small status update. One: I intend to sleep a lot over the next few days. Two: The Guitar is looking AWESOME. Three: Mister Denny and myself have created at least three poteneial memes, which kept us up for most of the night.

I have a gun.

ANYWAY. Moving on. There are a couple of things I wish to address in this blog. One: TWILIGHT AND IT'S FANDOMS. *Sparkle*

Two: [I can't remember. I'll think of it sooner or later]

Right. Twilight.

Personally, I have nothing against the first book. In fact, I rather enjoyed it. It was sappy, blatantly clichéd and obviously a Wish-Fulfillment Storyline, It was nonetheless entertaining if you didn't think about it too much.

However, the rest were less than satisfying, and Breaking Dawn? Just... No.

However, when you observe the eternal conflict between the Haters and the Die-Hard Fans, You realise what has happened.

People LIKE horrible plots. They LOVE Boring, flat characters. There is something about the average human brain that doesn't WANT something challenging or inventive, they just want plots that are simple, so that they can fit thier tiny heads around it. It would explain Home and Away.

I'm fine with that. I don't hate, I perfectly appreciate that some people may still like Twilight and enjoyed it, like I myself did. But...

Then there's the Die-Hard Fans.

The thing is, honestly, that Twilight is a mediocre peice of fiction. It isn't inventive, when really looked at it's disturbing, the characters are hardly special at all and the entire books were basically an excuse for Rock-Hard Sparkly Vampire Secks. This is why you can imagine my eternal frustration when i hear people comparing it to Harry Potter (A series of books that are neverthless extremely well written and deserving of thier status), or calling it 'Classic Literature'. No, sorry. It's Airport Fiction. Sunday Morning television.

But that's just irritation... Much more terrible things are afoot here.

Let's take a look at them, shall we? The first weird thing is that MILLIONS of (obviously sexually-frustrated) girls LUST after Edward, an INCREDIBLY Whiny, Uninteresting bastard whose practices of 'Courtship' would, in real life, get him locked up. A closer look at it reveals:

Stalking: He actually follows Bella around town (In the VAMPIRE VOLVO OF GREAT JUSTICE), breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. VERY. FUCKING. CREEPY.

Purely Lustful Intent: Almost. He and Bella share practically no interests whatsoever, so why is he attracted to her? HE WANTS TO NOM ON HER SWEET-SWEET BLOOD. When Bella Finally DOES become a vampire, they spend an entire day having sex. Stephanie Meyer has shown quite avidly that she has never taken a biology class, as not only is Bella apparently turned into a vampire via 'Venom' somehow, She and Edward have sex in the first place. Let me add something here; Edward has no heartbeat, therefore no blood movement. It has almost been stated that he has no blood. HOW then, can he get an erection? A process requiring BLOOD.

Also, apparently his Semen is, like, 200 years old, but let's not go there. I've proved my point.

Abuse: Obvious. No only is he completely contradictory in his behavior (Basically saying 'stay away from me' while winking and undoing his trousers), he is a complete ASS is terms of personal consideration. Apart from the obvious examples of Stephanie Meyer's gratuitous porn insertions, which leave Bella bruised and battered, Edward seems to enjoy killing shit. As a Vampire, this would be excuseable if he didn't WHINE about it afterwards, and then turn around an Emotionally abuse his 'love' (God knws there's already too much angst in the story).

Other insinuation are that not only are girls ATTRACTED to this shit, but they seem to place higher value on how rock-solid and uncomfy (Not to mention FREEZING COLD) thier boyfriend's chest is, how pretty they look and How physically adept they are. Of course, Edwards has graduated many times (but never seems to show more than average Teenage Intelligence), But apart from that he is boring. As hell. *Sparkles* (Please try to tell me THAT'S natural.)

The second rather disturbing thing about Twilight is, again, about the fans.

Many of them are apparently ready to KILL for it.

Of course, this is second-hand information. I've heard stories ranging from Stabbings, to dousings with hydrochloric acid, to two of them trying to throw someone off a BRIDGE. I've met my fair share of Twitards, and none of them have yet tried to kill me, but thier psychology is nonetheless disturbing. They claim Twilight is the best book ever and I ask them about people like Terry Pratchett, JRR Tolkien, JK Rowling, Phillip Pullman or Douglas Addams and they look at me with complete incomprehension.

I regret to announce, my firends, that Literature as a free medium is dying. It is something I like to call The Hollywood Effect. Have you SEEN how many vampire books are out recently? It's blatant catering, just like in hollywood (Most blatantly seen with the Pixar/Dreamworks standoff. A Bug's Life/Antz, Finding Nemo/Shark Tale, you know the drill). Your book has a chance of success if it fits in with the current retard popularity polls, if you're enough of a cookie-cutter, cardboard-scenery, Spectacle-instead-of-plot Current Success Clone, and very little chance otherwise. What happened to Dracula? What happened to Romeo and Juliet? (Compare that and Twilight and I will eletrocute you via crocodile-clamp jumper cables attached to your nipples)

Here's an excersise: The Vampyre, By John Polidori. The original and defining vampire novel.



And here I must stop. I have vented enough for today (and boy did it feel good!)

Unfortunately, I cannot yet remember what on earth I was going to talk about next, but this entry seems substantial enough. Until next time, for a less vitriolic and more happyhappy entry!

Fortune and Favors,
~James Brown

All systems g-wait, what's that flashing light? Fuck, is that the fuel light?

Ladies, Gentlemen, Friends, Foes and everyone who lives in Scotland, may I welcome you all to this rather sorry patch of internet in which I shall document my little opinions, rants, musings and also words.

Let us attend to the question of an introductory post by glazing over it and not paying it any attention.

Today I will take a look at the seemingly contradictory existance of Human Nature. Not through any curiosity or whatnot, I just feel like it.

I shall start by completely ruining your evening and linking you to TVtropes, namely thier article of the GIFT, or, for those of you who don't know it, the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory.

Now, as you have either clicked the link and only navigated back to this tab by cance because your browser is not filled with about 25,000 tabs or simply ignored the link because you either already know about the GIFT or TVtropes (Noted for it's addicting qualities in XKCD on two occasions). As I am aware that on either case many people shall need reminding, I shall summarise it as the tendancy for people to become total and complete dickheads when they realise that there would be no consiquences for doing so, and in the GIFT this catalyst is Anonymity. People like this have the amazing ability to stick thier proboscis into whatever organ generates your faith in humanity and slowly suck it dry. In this instance I would perscribe a healthy dose of MLIA. A healthy dose. That is not an invitation to read seventeen pages.

The people who are resonsible for this gross abuse of the internet are knows by many names, the foremost among them being 'Trolls'. Many of them are cunning and clever, as those of you who have encountered Zachary Cross and his cronies will know, but many of them are... Well...

Idiots.

Why, then, do we not encounter these kind of people every day? Why does no-one in thier right mind go into the middle of Alabama and paint 'NASCAR sucks' on the side of thier car? The answer is, of course, obvious. They will get shot.

On the Internet, however, no-one can shoot you, no-one can beat you up, and no-one except the System Administrator or Moderator of the particular Troll's Terrirory can get the to shut the hell up.

Of course, this does not mean that it's a BAD thing, right?

Of course not. The Tyeson (a Hacker friend of mine), and Willis (Another friend) have occasionally watched Yours Truly rip apart a Troll encountered on a random message-board or while playing Runescape. True, it may not be possible to WIN against a Troll, but neither is it possible to win against a brick wall when you're idly playing Tennis against it. It's simply practice, a chance to test your wit. An oppourtunity to use every insult imaginable in every conceivable way and not worry about the consiquences. This kind of reaction comes regularly from people like myself, who would make truly terrible Trolls... But have the self-control and consideration not do do so... Unless we are pushed. Anti-Trolls.

Many of you who attended LCGS at the same time as I did remember my occasional letters to the Staff.

But anyway, enough about my hobbies. I suppose I'll see you soon.

Goodbye and Good luck,

~James T. Brown